chant the beauty of the good

June 8, 2010

It’s been awhile, I know. Over the past many weeks I’ve completely unplugged, disappearing from this blog, Facebook, Twitter, and all but the most essential email exchanges. It has not been some idealistic attempt to get back to nature. This time I haven’t been chilling in my cozy, woodsy cabin listening to the birds and the sounds of squirrels scampering and chipmunks chattering.

Not even close.  I’ve been listening to alarms clanging and machines whooshing and the varied and sundry bells and whistles warning that something is wrong, very wrong. And not just in Boston.

The good news is that my brother-in-law Jay has made it out of ICU after 58 days, and is now on his 6th day out of many to come in an acute rehab facility. He’s still on a few of the machines that kept him alive in ICU – such as the ventilator, dialysis, feeding tube. But so many of the machines are now gone and the process begins to – painfully and slowly but surely – wean him off of the remaining devices and get him back onto his feet.

But not long after returning from Boston to get back to work and to life here in Cleveland, my phone rings in the wee hours of the morning. No one wants the phone to ring this early – you just assume can only be bad news. The ambulance is already at my dad’s house and within minutes, we’re out the door and turning what is normally a 40 minute drive into a 20 minute dash.

Dad is quickly moved from the ER to ICU at Medina General, where we hear terms we have grown all too familiar with in the last couple of months. We’ve also learned how to interpret numbers on a monitor and we don’t like what we see. Dad’s heart beats erratically and far too fast, his blood pressure is far too low – along with his oxygen. The doctor and nurse ask about a living will and about intubation. In front of my mom and dad they say that he is on the “cusp”. That he may bounce back or things may “go south very quickly”. They arrange to have him immediately transported to the Cleveland Clinic, telling us that it is his best chance of survival. They also tell us to call the family.

As they prepare to transport him, Dad is very alert – alert enough to ask Ken to cook the mass of chicken and ribs defrosting  in the refrigerator. He apologizes for ruining the family cookout planned for that day before he’s rolled out the door. We were looking forward to some family fun because the two days previous had been painful due to the fact that Dad’s brother died.

While living in Thailand with his wife, my Uncle Ed suddenly got sick and was quickly unable to communicate or move. Because of the language barrier with his wife, we could never understand exactly what was going on with Uncle Ed, until his wife called to say – He is dead. Phone calls started flying between Medina and Ireland and Thailand and back again as the stunned siblings tried to get information and comfort one another. My father simply closed his eyes at the news. Two days later he was in an ambulance heading to ICU. My theory is that he simply imploded.

This  last week-plus has been filled with more frightening reports, terrifying events, clanging alarms, and doctors, doctors and more doctors. Dad is tired, but still his amazing, strong, compassionate self . Each day when I kiss him hello, his first question is about Jay and my sister-in-law, Kathy who is with him in Boston. His next question is always  about Ken’s dad in Texas – who has just recently been admitted to  hospice – and of course about how Ken is holding up through all this. He doesn’t focus on himself. He wants to see pictures of his great grandbabies and maintains his wonderful sense of humor. He loves the nurses and hates the hospital food – which gives him lots of material. Dad always finds the good, even when it’s buried under mounds of difficulty.

Perhaps it is because we are dealing with multiple crises and have a 360 degree view of the entire landscape, but I admit, it’s been difficult to maintain my sense of humor and sunny disposition lately.  It’s just not coming easily or naturally during this challenging season. As I’ve said before,  I  often have to purposefully dig for the treasure of each day, buried under what seems to be an endless amount of frightening news, bad reports, amidst the clanging of alarms and jangling of my nerves.

I recently stumbled on a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote lately that suits my season – one that I keep repeating to myself:

Don’t waste yourself  in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

I have been rolling these words around in my mouth and mind for days, thinking about what it means.

I chant the beauty of the good when I sit on Dad’s hospital bed showing him a video of Poppy helping Nana plant flowers.
I chant the beauty of the good with with each picture of Poppy that Leanne or Jacob send me as we laugh over her latest antics.
I chant the beauty of the good, when I call Kathy in Boston to laugh together on the phone or when I collapse in tears in the comforting arms of my friend, Kimmi.
I chant the beauty of the good when I help Hana study for her final exams, rejoicing in the fact that she made it to the end of her school year – something that last fall we did not think possible.


I chant the beauty of the good when I look into the face of God in silence, knowing that He is close. So very close to me and to all those I love. I chant the beauty of the good when I read, or quote to myself,  the unchanging words of scripture:

The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one. – Psalm 34-17-19

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. – Psalm 46:1-3

…the LORD who created you says: “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. – Isaiah 43:1-3

Have you never heard or understood? Don’t you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles.They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:28-31

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. – Romans 8:28

And He says “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.-  2 Corinthians 12:9

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you. -  1 Peter 5:7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. – Philippians 4:6-8

And when I cling to the words of Jesus, the One I love and follow, I chant the beauty of the good:

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light . – Matthew 11: 28-31

Even before I finish this post, I receive text messages from Boston. Jay is in distress and is even now being transported back to the hospital and the intensive care unit. I send out urgent prayer requests and think about  what I consider urgent and what I don’t consider urgent during this season. I find it hard to care about things that have no eternal value.

My phone dings again; another text message just now comes in now from Texas and a Wadenpfuhl aunt is en route to the hospital via ambulance.

Now my phone rings -( my ring tone is a fave Joni Mitchell song. I am on a lonely road and I am traveling traveling traveling traveling/ Looking for something what could it be?)

It’s my brother calling from the hospital. The doctors seem to have figured it out and barring any setbacks, dad will soon head to a rehab facility near his home to get his legs back under him.

I chant the beauty of the good.

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what matters

April 28, 2010

I sit watching the monitor for every slight change of heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen rate. It passes through my mind that I would choose different colors for this place – the walls, the chairs, the machines, most definitely the drapes. But then I come back to my senses.

My brother Jay is fighting for his life in a Boston intensive care unit.

It came out of nowhere, this horrible thing that they now call ARDS of an unknown origin. One day he had a cough, the next he was in ICU on a ventilator where he has now been for three weeks and where he remains. They did not expect him to live 48 hours, so the fact that he is here is – though still critical – is literally a miracle.

The details are neither necessary or appropriate – this is not the place. But as I change the cool rag on Jay’s face, I think deeply about who he is. A brilliant man – to use the word genius is no overstatement. He’s the kind that only does the hard New York Times crossword puzzles at the end of the week. The first book I pick up on his shelf in the room where I sleep is by Kandinsky – Concerning The Spiritual in Art , which I read some time ago, but am enjoying  re-reading late at night.

He also loves the sea and his home is filled with model sailing ships and pictures of ships, plants and seashells. He’s an amazing cook and has a collection of hot peppers like I’ve never seen. He’s a Texan, of course and you can take the boy out of Texas and all that…

He’s also a professional musician – a french horn player with the Boston Symphony Orchestra – a town that actually supports the arts. He’s also a keyboardist, a composer, a writer, a singer. There’s so much more and his friends and family could go on and on,  but you get the point.

Most importantly I think of how deeply he is loved by his sister and brother in Texas who dropped everything to run to his side. His sister, Kathy – well there are no words to describe her loving actions and what I’ve watched her do. Ken came as soon as he could and stayed as long as he could, but had to tearfully drive home yesterday morning. The nurse tells us Jay’s heart monitor jumped 20 points as they were trying to say goodbye – but of course, we saw that. He’ll be back, of course.

I think of all this as I watch Jay’s monitors, watching his every wince and expression of pain, and praying not only for survival – that is not enough. But for complete recovery in the painful and traumatic months of acute rehab ahead of him once he is well enough to leave ICU.

Oh – and my own beloved father was life-flighted last weekend. I won’t go into those details either but long story short, it was a blood clot. He was on the floor not breathing and we thought we had lost him. My own brother Kevin, who qualifies for sainthood in my book, texts me daily to assure me that he is doing great. Dad’s home and cooked a great turkey meal for everyone for Sunday dinner, And if I know my dad, there was a little Irish jig involved. My hero.

Of course, all of this leaves me thinking of what matters and what doesn’t. I feel like I don’t know much anymore. I used to have so many answers and now I only have one: God is love and our only safe place is in that Love.

I know that God loves Jay with a love I cannot begin to comprehend with my breaking, and sometime sobbing heart. I know that He loves my family members that are bravely coping with so much stress and loss ( no, I have not told the whole story of all that is going on:) – with a love beyond words. I silently fall back into that Love this morning, floating there as if in a sea that is neither calm nor warm, but definitely safe and familiar and real.

And then, before I close my computer to head back to the hospital this morning I stop to pray over the children that cover the wallpaper on my computer. I stop to look at the latest photos out of the Mikea Forest where I will be heading in July – children so happy to be in school, so many of them are merely skeletons with smiles. And I sink deeper and deeper into the love of God. This love that is deeper than illness, than grief, than poverty, than suffering. The only thing worth clinging to in this unforgiving, unpredictably yet still terribly beautiful world.

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long journey on an ever-changing sea

April 15, 2010

For several months, I have been daily following the blog of a 16-year-old Australian named Jessica Watson. First thing in the morning, last thing at night and several times each day, I check for her latest post, eager for news – always hoping that news is good.  Since October  of last year, this young girl has been sailing around the globe on a small sailboat called Ella’s Pink Lady – non-stop and alone.  And since January, I’ve been tracking her perilous journey – every storm, every doldrum, every freezing night and stunning sunset, every knock-down and broken piece of equipment, every twinge of loneliness.

I am fascinated by the act itself . I think back to Ferdinand Magellan -  the explorer who set out with 5 ships and a crew of over 200 men to circumnavigate the globe in the early 1500’s. The journey was completed 3 years later with only one ship and 19 men remaining. (Even Magellan  himself didn’t make the distance. He was  killed in the Philippines while trying to convert locals to Christianity.) And there are other famous names like Drake and Cook – but now it’s being done in a 30 foot sailboat by a 16 year old girl.

Two 16 year old girls, actually.

There’s an American girl name Abby Sunderland out there now as well. She started her journey from Mexico and has just recently rounded Cape Horn on her 40 foot sailboat, Wild Eyes. And not to be left out, a 38 year old man named Alessandro di Benedetto is circumnavigating the globe in an even tinier 20 foot sailboat. I read with amazement his accounts of petting dolphins and seals, of listening to whales breathe nearby, of dodging icebergs.Last week his mast broke in a violent storm and first reports had him stopping in Chile for repairs, but he simply built another mast out of whatever he had onboard and is even now closing in on treacherous Cape Horn with his jury-rigged mast.

These adventurers all  have smart, sharp on-shore teams behind them – people with knowledge of the sea, of weather patterns, of navigation – but they are the ones out alone out there for months on end, fighting the daily battles – sometimes for forward progress, other-times simply for survival.

I’m surprised that I find all of this fascinating. I’m no sailor, though I have a deep love for the sea. Perhaps crossing the Atlantic by boat twice before the age of 7 left a deep impression on me. But looking at this all metaphorically – which I admit I’m prone to do – I do know why I find it inspiring.

Storms come and they go. Doldrums come and they go. The sea, winds and waves are ever changing – the key is learning to navigate whatever is thrown at you. A knock-down is not the end, – if you’re prepared and know how to get back up.  And no matter how much support I might have – and I have wonderful friends who are much smarter than me -  it still comes down to me riding out the storms, daily choosing  faith over doubt, courage over fear, joy over despair.

It helps that I know and walk with the One who tames the wind and the waves, who sets the boundaries in place  – the only One who can. Even when He’s asleep in my boat- and lately it feels like He’s been in a deep, deep slumber, I still have the promise of His words. When we started this journey together He said “let’s go over to the other side of the lake” – so I know He has plans to get me there, regardless of what rogue wave may slam me broadside or turn me upside down, disorienting me for a day or two.

These words may seem simplistic, and even trite. They  usually do – until a storm actually hits. Or in my case lately , a series of storms.

Jessica, Abby and Alessandro’s  journeys will all come to an end at various times in the weeks/months ahead. Jessica is only a few short weeks from home – though she’s currently fighting lightning storms and wicked seas in the Great Australian Bight. The latest storm knocked her down, tore her mainsail and flooded her cabin. But she’s up again and moving forward with her typical positive attitude.  Abby and Alessandro still  have a ways to go, but all of them want to accomplish the same thing. They want to conquer the storms, the winds, the waves – and themselves – and at the end, sail into safe harbor and hear the words Well Done.

As do I.

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A Great Silence

April 12, 2010

Lately I’ve been mostly silent. Out of words – oftentimes out of thoughts. I’m used to taking the hard times in stride – one disappointment, grief or loss at a time. But these days they come too quickly, each hard on the heels of the one before. I barely catch my breath when a new day dawns and knocks the wind clear out of me.

And I hate watching those I love hurt. Several times in the last few months I have helplessly listened to my  husband cry himself to sleep – over a mom lost, a dad sick, a daughter. Then a few days back, the phone rings and his brother now lies fighting for his life in a Boston hospital. A mystery illness that comes out of nowhere – a suddenly. The kind that knocks your feet out from under you and beats you bloody. The doctors are puzzled; the brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, friends – and his father – are stunned, fearful, angry, grieved. Again.

I pray mostly without words, because my heart is numb – and words are simply not enough. I sink into the great silence that is God. Aimlessly, I thumb through a book and stumble on a Walter Rauschenbusch poem  from 1918  – and, gratefully,

I find words.

The Little Gate to God

In the castle of my soul
Is a little postern gate,
Whereat, when I enter,
I am in the presence of God.
In a moment, in the turning of a thought,
I am where God is.
This is a fact.
This world of ours has length and breadth,
A superficial and horizontal world.
When I am with God,
I look deep down and high up,
And all is changed.
The world of men is mad of jangling noises,
with God it is a great silence.
But that silence is a melody
Sweet as the contentment of love,
Thrilling as a touch of flame.
In this world my days are few
And full of trouble.
I strive and have not;
I seek and find not;
I ask and learn not.
Its joys are so fleeting,
Its pains are so enduring.
I am in doubt if life be worth living.
When I enter into God,
all life has a meaning
Without asking, I know;
My desires are even now fulfilled,
My fever is gone
In the great quiet of God.
My troubles are but pebbles on the road,
My joys are like the everlasting hills,
So it is when I step through the gate of prayer
From time into eternity.
When I am in the consciousness of God
Those whom I love
Have a mystic value.
They shine, as if a light were glowing within them.
Even those who frown on me
And love me not
Seem part of a great scheme of good.
(Or else they seem like stray bumble bees
Buzzing at a window,
Headed the wrong way, yet seeking the light.)
So it is when my soul steps through the postern gate
Into the presence of God.
Big things become small, and small things become great.
The near becomes far, and the future is near.
The lowly and despised is shot through with glory,
And most of human power and greatness
Seems as full of infernal iniquities
As a carcass is full of maggots.
God is the substance of all revolutions;
When I am in him, I am in the Kingdom of God
And the Fatherland of my soul.
Is it strange that I love God?
And when I come back through the gate,
Do you wonder that I carry memories with me.
And my eyes are hot with unshed tears for what I see.
And I feel like a stranger and a homeless man
where the poor are wasted for gain,
Where rivers run red,
And where God’s sunlight is darkened by lies?
May God’s sunlight shine again. Thy kingdom come, God!

Walter Rauschenbusch
Theologian and Pastor
1918

Photo Credit: Silence by Tory Byrne, USA

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jailed missionaries in Haiti

February 10, 2010

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I’ve been following this story with more than a casual interest and my emotions are engaged on several levels. First and foremost, I worry about the children and the parents who felt the need to give them away in order to save them. I wept when I read the stark commentary from one of these parents a few days back. She said “This is our culture. We often give our children to others to raise, so they will have a better chance at life.” Others may give one child away to finance the feeding of the other 6. These children are called restavecs – no more than child-slaves in the household of a better-off family.

I’ve seen this in Africa. I’ve had many conversations with grown women who, though they nonchanlantly tell their stories, have obviously never emotionally recovered from being given away as children. Most of them spent their childhoods tending cows, hauling water, watching younger children, cooking, washing clothes – and so had no opportunity to go to school. And when the sun set in the village, most of them were molested.

cow-boy

Then there are the cow-boys of Malawi. Little boys taken far from their homes to tend cattle as slaves in another village. This is illegal in Malawi now, but I’m told that when government officials enter a village to inspect, they simply hide the boys until they leave. The law is nearly impossible to enforce in the  villages where traditional authorities and cultural practices reign.

As I’ve read similar stories in Haiti, the frustration of the aid workers and doctors is palpable. Their hands are tied and they know it. But the 10 jailed missionaries shook off those ties.

I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve been about this event. I don’t even know where to start – but let me start here: I won’t impugn their motives. I understand the heart that took them to Haiti and respect their courage to wade into the carnage and try to make a difference. But even as we press against the things in the culture that victimize innocents, we must respect that nation’s laws at all times. The bible clearly states that we must respect those in authority – and any remnant of a colonial mindset that sets itself up as the law is arrogant.

As someone who has spent many long days and years in Madagascar running after some important little piece of paper – what we call “zee leetle paper” – I do understand the frustration. You need “zee leetle paper”. You go to social welfare and social welfare tells you to go to the ministry of whatever and the ministry of whatever sends you to the ministry of whatsit and 10 hours later there is still no leetle paper. But you don’t run around their laws unless you want to be their guest for a couple of decades. It’s called respect.

We tried to adopt a little boy from Madagascar some years back. For several years, we supported him in an orphanage run by a pastor and wife – who assured us he was an orphan and that they would help us gather his paperwork. We personally sent monthly funds and large sums to procure a birth certificate – but no such certificate ever materialized. To make a long story short, on a final trip when I thought I was in the last stages of the process, a mother emerged. He was not an orphan – something the pastor knew all along. The mother didn’t want her son back, however – she just wanted money.

michael-in-kens-jacket

At that moment I had to make a decision that broke my heart. I told her to take her son back to the village. The little boy was inconsolable, as were my husband and I, but there was simply no way around this. This woman wanted to sell her son. In that split second, I knew I had to trust God with his young life. I could not violate child trafficking laws to try to save him myself. It wasn’t an easy decision but I still know it was the right one.

Which brings me to the jailed group’s leader – Laura Silsby. She is being villified in the press and now we’re told the group has turned against her, passing notes through the bars about her controlling nature and how she deceived them. I don’t know about any of that – but I can’t help but wonder why we always eat our own. Quote scripture all you want and sing Amazing Grace until you’re hoarse, but Jesus said they’ll know we are Christians by our love for each other.

On the other hand, I would call on Laura Silsby to act in love towards the team entrusted to her. Stand up and take full responsibility for your actions and ask for the immediate release of your team members. They trusted your judgment in an unfamiliar culture. They trusted your decisions and your word. These decisions – no matter how good the motive – have led them smack into this tense situation, causing fear among their loved ones. Speak up, Laura, it’s the price of leadership and also the price of love.

Photo Credits: Haitian Child by lauri koski; Cow Boy by Patsala, a young village boy in Malawi who participated in an Ancient Path photography project.

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wise words from Mother Teresa

February 8, 2010

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I’m cleaning out my files – always an unpleasant task for myriad reasons. For a start, it makes me nervous to find things I dropped through the cracks months ago. I also get depressed thinking about things I wish I had done differently. And then there are the things I don’t know how to act on or I’m trying to forget. That’s why I buried it in a file drawer in the first place. And trust me, buried is the right word.

I am however, turning over a new leaf, as they say. (I have to. I lost the old one.)

Before that can happen, I need to sift through these piles of papers, just to make sure I’m not throwing out anything important, like my passport or the only existing copy of whatever.  While I would rather set the whole mess on fire and move on, I’m old enough to know that this doesn’t work – in life or filing. I have to face the music.

So it’s late afternoon and the vultures are circling, the dark clouds descending and I’m muttering to myself something about quitting  when suddenly, a wrinkled photocopy falls into my lap – words from Mother Teresa, tucked between an old Christmas script and handwritten notes from a Madagascar trip. Don’t ask why these three items would be in the same file. It might have something to do with the color blue, I don’t remember.

But I don’t believe in coincidences. I think God meant for me to see these words today – words spoken by a woman who is my personal hero  – to remind me, to center me.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish,ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

It’s between me and God.

What I do, I do for God, because of God, with God, in full sight of God – no matter how it turns out.

I also remind myself that I am often part of the problem – unreasonable, illogical and self-centered etc etc.  But forgiving myself wouldn’t be out of line.

On the contrary, it would be healing.

I swat feebly at the vultures. I’m not dead yet. I blow fresh breath to scatter the dark clouds and tape the graying paper to my wall. It’s between me and God – which is both comforting and terrifying. But I won’t quit today.

Now back to my files. Where did I tuck those matches?

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8 minutes 24 seconds

January 6, 2010

I saw a 60 second commercial the other day featuring two well-dressed men discussing the clear reasons we should all own gold in this unstable world.  Well, here’s 8 minutes and 24 seconds  featuring the children who mine that gold in Congo. This is their unstable world.

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a list of 50 simple pleasures for the new year

January 1, 2010

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2010 is here and unlike previous years, I have no great plans, no resolutions – except one: to live in the moment and fully enjoy the grace of God and the simple pleasures of life as they come. This list is off the top of my head and in no particular order….

1. snuggling with my youngest daughter – in our pjs
2. the smile on my grandaughter’s face when she first sees me – and those chubby arms that reach out for me
3. an evening at home with my best friend/husband, watching good films by the wood-burning stove
4. any time I can have all my kids, grown and growing, in the same room at the same time
5. reading books on theology, philosophy, history – anything scholarly, with ideas and concepts I have to wrestle to the ground
5. when my father has enough strength to do a little Irish jig on his way to the kitchen
6. that first morning cup of Irish tea, delivered with a kiss
7. watching wildlife in the woods from my bedroom window – giant blue herons, owls, fox, deer, ducks, to name a few…
8. snow days
9. tooling around in my 69 VW bug when the weather’s nice. (there’s no heat in the winter)
10. homemade mac-n-cheese
11. listening to my husband play his french horn on stage…anywhere
12. meditating to my husband’s cds
13. holding a child who has no one, soaking them in the love of God
14. clean sheets
15. our simple treehouse with it’s cedar walls, oak floors and hickory rockers
16. stuffing dollars in our chifundo jar and watching it fill up, knowing it will buy food for hungry kids
17. reading/writing/praying in my little cabin tucked away in the woods
18. finishing anything
19. old episodes of The West Wing and movies about WWII
20. the possibilities of a new journal
21. the ongoing search for the perfect bag – it’s out there somewhere
22. rain storms, coconut popsicles and the perfect shade of red
23. our two shichon pups and senegal parrot who talks non-stop
24. watching elephants, hippos and crocs from the relative safety of a safari boat
25. art museums – and creativity in every form
26. attending the opera with my 15-year-old, the opera buff
27. laughing with good friends
28. leading worship & teaching/speaking – anywhere, anytime
29. the ongoing search for the perfect mug – it’s out there somewhere
30. playing my Native American flutes
31. singing the Willaby Wallaby song for my granddaughter, Poppy
32. finding comments on my blog from people I don’t know – as well as people I do know
33. good news – like a good report from Dad’s cancer doctor or great reports from our partners in Africa
34. surprise trips to beautiful places
35. the unexpected check that comes at the 11th hour
36. celtic music
37. inspirational stories – where the underdog perseveres and wins
38. making messes in my art journals – with paint, crayons, tape, paper, pens – you name it
39. a good writing day – when that one perfect paragraph, or sentence, survives.
40. time and space for contemplation
41. refusing offense and when I can’t – forgiving
42.forgiving myself and walking in grace
43. my mac (yes, i’m a convert)
44. the sound of a fountain and flowers for no reason
45. strolling through a community greenhouse on a winter’s day
46. drinking  in beauty in all forms – from a spider’s web to a Beethoven symphony
47. capturing an insect that has wandered into the treehouse – and setting it free
48. learning detachment – and that feeling of freedom that comes when I realize I have let something, or someone, go
49. a good cry for a good reason
50. stopping to fully appreciate the heroes -  ordinary people who commit extraordinary acts of bravery and kindness every day

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no more slogans, please

December 31, 2009

Birch grove 4

I knew there would be a slogan or two floating around for the new year but couldn’t help cringing when I read the first one this morning:

Begin again in 2010.

Every year I am bombarded with prophetic predictions that this will be the year of breakthrough. This is the year that I will walk into my spiritual inheritance! Emails flood in promising unequaled blessings in what will be my best year ever. I used to believe these – I considered it lack of faith not to.

But I’ve learned alot in the last few years – for instance, the difference between faith and presumption, between hope and illusion, between joy and happiness.

I can’t be happy as my father battles cancer or as we bury my beautiful mother-in-law on the birthday of her first-born son. I can’t be happy as my daughter fights her way back to physical and emotional strength to overcome the trauma of her abandonment that has been recently triggered. I helplessly watch as her brilliant mind struggles to complete a sentence, grappling with the overwhelming fear that her world is collapsing once again, as she watches beloved grandparents fade away.

No, I can’t be happy but I can access deep joy – when my family comes together over a meal, when my granddaughter laughs, when I watch my father and mother hold hands even as the sun sets on their lives here. Or when I see the beauty of God in every creature and all of creation, when I hug the children of Africa or simply settle in front of the fire with my husband and a good book or movie.

I can’t presume that my father will be healed of his cancer – after all, I’m not God. But I can ask for it by faith  – and I can step out each day in that faith, knowing that the God of the tiny sparrows holds him in his hands and is continually preparing him for the glory of eternity through his suffering.

My illusions died a few years back, taking hope with it for a season – but I’ve got it back. And I find comfort in the simple, powerful words of Jesus: In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world.

I’ve also redefined blessing and breakthrough. Why is it that we always define blessing as some form of prosperity? The words of the angel to Mary tell me a different story. This highly blessed woman suddenly finds herself pregnant out of wedlock – scandalous in a culture that can cry out for her blood. Then she must deliver her miraculous child in a cave far from home and everyone she loves. Not long after, she has to flee to Egypt and live as a refugee in order to save her son’s life. Over the years, she watches as he is both deified and vilified and finally, murdered. Blessed above all women, indeed.

I’m careful when I ask for the blessings of God.

As for breakthrough, I’ve been waiting for the intangible “it” for years, but I now realize that each day I live I am breaking through – breaking through the wall of ignorance, of selfishness, of arrogance and pride. In suffering and service, I am breaking through to a new place of seeing and understanding both the words and the way of Jesus.

I have no idea what 2010 holds, but in this season of life we have three parents who are ill – so there is more loss ahead. A catchy slogan and a few groundless promises aren’t going to carry me through this.

But faith, hope and joy will.

And love…always, love.

footsteps-in-snow

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Adoption Day

December 10, 2009

jen-closeup

Today, as I drink my tea in front of the Christmas tree, I take myself back to the day we adopted our eldest daughter, Jen Jin Ok.

She was 18-months-old on the day she climbed into the overstuffed leather chair in the judge’s chambers – with two black pigtails poking straight out, wearing a red knit dress and white ruffled tights.  Jen knew how to charm, crinkling her nose and smiling at the judge, and he was completely besotted. He played and laughed  with her  before getting down to the serious business of signing the adoption papers. I remember his words clearly:  “Adoption is for life“, he told us. “You can divorce each other, but you can never divorce this child – do you understand this?”

We did understand. Over the years, our family has been built from 2 children born in the heart and 1 born in the womb – to us, it makes no difference. We have always called Jen our “first-born: – and by the time she was placed in our arms, straight off a flight from Korea, in 1980, we were already in love with her.

It came out of the blue, this idea to adopt from Korea. I had miscarried a child at 4 months in 1989, but the doctor called it a “fluke”, and told us to try again in a few months. That was our plan, but God had a diffferent path for us. At the same time I was grieving the loss of our baby, a girl child was being born on the other side of the world who was destined to be our daughter.

Just hours after Jen was born, she was left on the steps of the local police station, close to one of the best orphanages in Korea. We don’t know why her birth-mother took this drastic step, but I don’t doubt that she was mourning the loss of her child even as I was mourning the death of mine. But she took steps to make sure the little girl would be safely cared for and within the hour, she was in the arms of the loving orphanage director, being fed.

Months later, I was sitting in a church service in a strange city, when a mother  passed in front of me, her arms wrapped around her bi-racial daughter. At that moment, the thought came to my mind – you’re going to adopt a little girl from Korea. There is a child waiting for you in Korea.

I recognized God’s voice in this and, with my heart pounding out of my chest.I leaned over and whispered in my husband’s ear -” I think God wants us to adopt a child from Korea.” Now, we had never discussed this, had never talked about Korea and had planned to try for another pregnancy soon – but Ken answered the way he has so often through the years: Well, if that’s what God wants, then He’ll open all the doors. Let’s just see what He does.

In the early 80’s,  international adoption was not as common as it is now; we  didn’t know anyone with adopted children and had no idea where to start, but we didn’t have to wait long before God showed us. A few days later, smiling at us from the front page of a section of the Sunday newspaper,  were three Korean children adopted by a woman who ran an adoption agency only 10 minutes from our home -  specializing in Korean adoptions. After Ken peeled me off the wall, we called and knocked on her door that very evening. We were greeted by several rambunctious, happy kids – one of them was rollerskating through the house and another was up to her ears in soap bubbles, washing the dishes. One look was all it took to lock us into the process. We gathered up the paperwork and started that night.

Living and working in the inner city at the time, we started the process in faith, with no money and no home of our own. (Kind of like now – 30 years later) And we watched as God miraculously provided everything that we needed every step of the way. A few months later we got the phone call that every adopting parent waits for on pins and needles: 

Congratulations! You’re the proud parents of an 11-month-old baby girl.

Korea handles their adoptions differently than China, preferring that the children are escorted into the USA by a volunteer. August 8th, 1980 found us at the airport, pacing frantically, a diaper bag slung over my should, a camera over Ken’s. I worried about whether or not she missed her plane. I worried about whether or not she would bond to me. I worried about whether or not I would know how to take care of her. I was, after all, a first time parent. Nothing had prepared me for this.

And nothing had prepared me for that first glance of my daughter’s beautiful face. But it was all I could see on August 8th when, dressed in a green and white cotton dress, with white legs and bare feet dangling, 16 month old Jen Jin Ok was carried off the plane and into our lives.

The first few days were difficult. An oozing rash that covered her stomach and legs caused frequent screaming fits. As a first time mother, I didn’t know when to stop feeding her and Jen didn’t know when to stop eating, so we had daily stomachaches and not a few tears  And I was alone – due to the fact that my husband’s boss insisted Ken leave town for 10 days, the day after Jen’s arrival. It broke Ken’s heart – but it was that or the threat of losing his job.We were so grateful for the few close friends who stuck by us during that time. Not everyone understood what we were doing or why.

Jen spent most of her early days staring off into the distance. She was too weak to walk, even to stand, and showed little interest in toys. Attached to noone, she would go to anyone but she loved to listen to my heart beat. So I would lay on the floor for hours at a stretch, holding Jen’s frail body, her ear to my chest. Little by little, day by day the fog began to lift,  strength came into her body and a mischievous little imp began to emerge. For instance, she like to hide her socks in my coffee when my back was turned. She went from walking to climbing almost immediately and liked to scale our floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. By the time she sat in the judge’s chambers on December 9th, Jen was the picture of health and full of joy.

The joy has never receded. People often ask her – are you always this bubbly? – and the answer is yes. Jen went through a difficult time in high school when she had to have two serious head surgeries to remove a potentially dangerous and large growth. To avoid disfigurement, the doctor implanted a plastic balloon in her head and filled it with saline weekly to stretch the scalp. When the balloon reached capacity, they operated, removing the growth and stretching her hair over the large incision. Then they implanted another balloon and started all over again.

Her brother called her balloon head, of course. When I asked her how she was doing,  she replied in typical Jen fashion – uncomplicated and to the point: if I was still in the orphanage, this surgery wouldn’t be available and  I would be maimed or dead. so I’ve just decided to be grateful. And she was.

I took her to Korea after graduation so she could meet the wonderful woman who took her in at birth and reconnect with her roots. The orphanage director said she had seen many of her children return and had never seen anyone so un-westernized as Jen. Declaring it amazing, she said Jen was thoroughly Korean in her mannerisms, her tastes, even her accent. This became clear in Korea where, except for the language, Jen fit in  – in every way.

The director took Jen aside one day, to ask her questions without me. She wanted to find out if Jen had any questions about her early history or her birth parents – not that she had any information. She didn’t. But she wanted Jen to feel free to talk. Thirty minutes later Jen exited the room with a huge smile, ready to eat again. The director told me later that Jen wouldn’t even have the conversation. She said simply – my mother is sitting outside this room, my father and brother are in Cleveland. I don’t know why my birth-mother left me, but I know she must have had good reason – and God has taken care of me. I’m happy.

And that is Jen in a nutshell. The glass is always 3/4 full.

I look at the woman she has grown to be – a chemist who loves music and chick flicks, her iPhone and eating good food. She enjoys her church family, her work and Sunday dinners at Grampa’s house. She laughs loud, long and often – so much more than  I ever have . And today I realize just how much I needed that frail little girl who became our firstborn – and how much I need the young woman and friend she has become.

Happy Adoption Day, Jen Jin Ok Wadenpfuhl.

You are a gift – and you are deeply loved.

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